Why would a woman, who has been told that her chances for pregnancy are slim without medical intervention, get pregnant on her own, only to lose the baby in a ruptured ectopic pregnancy?

This is the question I put before the Lord in the days following our loss. When the grief in my heart became too much to bear.

Wasn’t infertility enough of a cross to bear? Why would we get a miracle pregnancy only to have it result in such a physically and emotionally painful life-threatening, trauma-filled event, only to end with post-operative pain and the glaring emptiness of my womb and arms?

I wrote it and re-wrote it in my journal, as I poured out my heart to my Daddy-God:

“Why? Why would you do this? Why let us even get pregnant?

This is hardly the first time I’ve asked this question. As a woman who belongs to a blog ring of other women also experiencing infertility, I have seen the euphoria of positive pregnancy tests and then the devastation of loss a few weeks and months later. Each time I have wept with my friends who experience such grief, I have felt that same grief shoot into the core of my soul, where it has become my own. As I have tasted the bitterness, I have often thrown this question before God.

Five days before we lost our little one, one of my friends on that infertility ring, lost her son at 31 weeks pregnancy.

Why? Why does God let a woman be pregnant for 31 weeks . . . a woman who’s had difficult pregnancies and losses to begin with . . and then take that baby?

Why? Why does God let a woman who has tried to get pregnant for seven years get pregnant. . . only to take that baby 8 weeks later?

Why? Why does God let another woman go through miscarriage after miscarriage? How much loss can one Mama’s heart take?

These questions pound through my head, keeping me up in the wee morning hours. Sometimes, I have even found myself pacing as the emotion behind the question is more than I can bear and I have to do something in order to release it.

In my times with God these past weeks, He clearly spoke to my heart regarding this issue. They were such private words, meant only for my heart. Yet, as they were being spoken, I knew they were not for me alone. They were for every other woman who struggles to come to grips with why God would give, only to take away.

I don’t want to share them. I want to keep them in my journal, a precious, private jewel born of a time of grief. Something that is just between me and my Daddy-God.

And yet, how can I not share them? They have given me such a quiet whisper of hope and purpose to my pain, surely there is at least one other woman they will do the same for. . .

Your child is with me, the perfect Daddy. You can’t hold him, but I can. The love you feel is nothing compared to the love your little one is receiving from me in this very moment.

Your children belong to me. Your daughter, I’m letting you have on earth. This one – and your first one – -I chose to take home with me.

Life exists on more than earth Melissa. There is life in a realm you cannot see and cannot grasp. I have as much purpose for your children in heaven as I do for your child on earth. Your daughter’s life is for earthly purposes–this baby is for heavenly purposes. This life was destined for life in heaven instead of life on earth.

This is not only true of your child but of every child that has been lost. What looks like a senseless act of creating and then destroying, is not so. It is simply creating so that I may then use that child in the destiny I have for them–earthly or heavenly. I reveal this to you, so that you can give others who feel it makes no sense, the same hope. These are lives ordained for heaven and you are the earthly parents ordained for heaven’s children.“