I have the curricula, I have the plans, I have the dates of field trips, library times, the best days to go to the park, all written down. I have a calendar full of gymnastics, music lessons, tae kwon do classes, and assorted clubs. My kids are excited about this school year. A first in my family, really.

I started one day much like any other day before that. I would stumble out of bed as my 4 year old jumped on me asking for breakfast, trip over myself to the coffee pot, and wait impatiently as it would brew my “lifeblood”. I would never have time for myself, my schedule and things I wanted to accomplish for the day, and we always seemed to be running around ragged. Not the best of homeschool situations. I was often hoarse from yelling at the kids to finish their school work, or taking Legos away due to fights. I could not figure out what the real problem was.

And then it hit me.

God and I were talking over soap bubbles and dried oatmeal covered bowls. I wanted a better day, and I would often pray that He would guide my paths and help me settle the kids down. Boy, did I have another hard lesson to learn!

It wasn’t the kids, it was me that needed to settle down. They got me every morning, but I wasn’t ready to be mom and teacher. I was barely ready to be human before that first cup of coffee. They needed my availability but instead got my irritability. I had to make a difference in my schedule. So I tried it. I scoured blogs for inspiration, read books on how to become “the woman I always dreamed I could be”. And at last, I found the answer. I set my alarm clock for 1 hour earlier than I would normally get up. I woke before the kids, had my quiet time, workout time, shower, and got ready for the day. I was all smiles as I had my second cup of coffee in hand when the kids came downstairs. This was Heaven….

Then the bubble burst.

I was exhausted because I am a night owl, and getting out of bed at 6 am was a struggle for me. I wound up crying over a failed dinner one night and losing control. I had spent so much time trying to be like other moms that I forgot who I was. I was trying to make someone else’s schedule fit mine. I had tailored my workouts to be like this person’s, my quiet time to be like that one’s quiet time, and even my homeschool schedule like other people had it, because I thought that was the way it should be. After all, if it works for them, it should work for me, right?

Why are you laughing?

After some tears, ice cream and prayer, I called a friend. I finally laid it all out, how I was burnt out, and failing miserably. I was convinced that I was ruining my kids…you know the drill, right? And she gave me the best gift I have gotten in a long time. She said, “I give you permission to say no. I give you permission to be different, to be yourself.”

There was a sweet relief in those words. I finally had permission to be myself. I had permission to NOT be like everyone else. I could let go of what I thought my day should be like and expect more realistic things. I let go of the expectations that were awfully high for my kids. I have let more things slide and laughed so much more. I have set “emergencies” to the standard of “What will this matter in five years?”. If it won’t, it isn’t worth getting upset about. And now, my kids have not only my availability, but they are not dealing as much with my irritability. I learned this simple truth:

So, for any of you who are struggling with your days, I am giving you permission to be yourself. I am giving you full permission to skip the textbooks and read aloud in jammies all day, or to pick up the textbooks that someone told you were too restrictive. I am giving you permission to miss a day of school now and then, and go to the park or bowling. I also give you full permission to not go on every field trip that your support group has, or to every seminar on homeschooling. I give you full permission to not be like anyone else.